Monday, June 18, 2012

Cheesecake: A recipe

Whenever I make cheesecake, I follow the same recipe, which was given to me by the awesome Urs of My bookmark to that recipe no longer works, so I had to spend some time searching for it just now. I shall post it here so that I don't lose it again, and also because it's just an awesome recipe.

Preheat oven to 300 degrees F

About 18 Oreos
2 tablespoons of melted butter
1/2 cup chocolate or white chocolate chips

Grind the Oreos up in your food processor, mortar and pestle, coffee grinder, but don't chew them up and spit them into a bowl. That's nasty. Add the butter, mix well, and press the crumbs into your springform pan. What? For Pete's sake, go to the store and spend $10 on a springform pan.

Toss the pressed crust into the oven for 8 minutes, just to get it hot, then pull it out and scatter the chips in it. Give them a minute to get melty, and gently spread the molten chocolate/white chocolate/peanut butter/whatever goodness over your crumb crust with the back of a spoon. This will help seal the crust and keep it from getting soggy. Also, who will argue with a layer of chocolate? A jerk, that's who. If someone argues, punch him in the dick, and don't give him any cheesecake.

3 8-oz packages of cream cheese (or neufchatel, if you're worried about fat. Oh, hey. Wait. If you're worried about fat, DON'T EAT CHEESECAKE.), softened.
1 14-oz (regular sized, kinda smallish, the shit's dense) can of sweetened condensed milk. (Nope, there isn't a sugarfree variant of this recipe. If you're worried about sugar, DON'T EAT CHEESECAKE.)
3 eggs*
1 teaspoon flavoring (vanilla, peppermint extract, lemon zest, amaretto, chambourd, wasabi, worchestershire)
Cream that shit together.
For chocolate chips: Toss a cup of chips in a teaspoon of plain flour to coat, then fold them in. The flour keeps them suspended instead of rising or sinking.

Pour the batter into the sealed crusts, and bake at 300F for about an hour. Letting the cake cool in stages (turn off oven after 45 minutes, crack the door at an hour, remove the cake a half-hour later, let counter-cool for 2 hours, then refrigerate) will help prevent cracking. If it cracks, start over and eat the evidence.

* If you give the eggs a light beat before adding to the rest, they'll integrate faster and you'll reduce the risk of overbeating. Overbeating is what happens when the proteins of the eggs start congealing or some biochemical reaction occurs that Alton Brown would tell you about and probably get off while he did so, but it makes your cheesecake feel unpleasantly eggy and foamy when you eat it, and if you don't care, then it means more cheesecake for you. Jerk.

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